Here are some of my thoughts in regards to parenting and children.

Many of you may not know but one of my off jobs is officiating basketball. I’ve played basketball my whole life and this seemed like a great way to make some extra money while I can still participate in a game I really enjoy. There is a lot of nuance to basketball and being an official has been enlightening in regards to hearing coaches and fans complain about the game. A typical refain is that officials don’t call the game fairly. I always find this a very unusual accusation as if I really care about who wins or loses a high school basketball game. After reflecting on it some more lately I’ve come to the conclusion we have been told for so long that everything should be equal and fair and when anything seems to be offset we scream at the top of our lungs.  THATS UNFAIR!

As many people will tell you, life isn’t fair. My job as an official is to keep things fair in regards to the rules of basketball but is it fair that my opponent is 6’5″ and I’m only 5’10”.  Probably not. Life being unfair is a reality many of us deal with and something we intuitively know about life but we still struggle to try and make it equal and that struggle is a good thing but I think that struggle is part of what builds our character.

We have two different realities at battle as parents. One, we want to make things as fair and as equal as we can so that they have every opportunity to succeed. Two, we know that life is unfair and they will encounter this unfairness in life frequently. So our question as parents is how do we handle this juxtoposition?

Here is my advice to you as parents. It’s okay when things aren’t fair or equal. In fact, these are great opportunities for personal growth. We can teach our children how to grow, react, and build great character when faced with these obstacles. When your son or daughter is playing sports and it seems like the officiating is unfair, focus on how your child deals with this. Officials make mistakes, coaches make mistakes and your child will make mistakes. It’s how you grow from these situations that help build understanding, empathy with others and the ability to raise children who want to help those who have less or who are in an unfair position rise above the fray. In fact, I would say this. Stop trying to make life equal or fair for your child and instead try these things. Recognize when things are unfair and help them to constructively address those issues. One other suggestion I have is look at how you approach unfairness or inequality in your own life because your actions are much more likely teaching your child how to engage the inequities of life. If you tend to yell or pout or complain it’s likely that is what your child is learning to do. If you engage the world more constructively your child will learn that directly from you.

Hope that helps, take it or leave it or leave some comments and let me know what you think.

There is a resurgence of the enneagram in Christian circles due largely a book released by Fr. Ian Cron titled “The Road Back to You”. I have also seen this used in workplaces and by a few podcasters as well.  In my experience any attempt to learn more about yourself can be a useful endeavor and I’ve read and experienced a vast array of personality assessments from Myers Briggs to Strengths Finder and the DISC. All have added a little to my own understanding about myself and have some value.

What I would say about he enneagram is that it is an imprecise and vague tool that has too many variances.  I believe it’s making a resurgence in Christian circles because of Fr Ian Cron’s background and ability to make it seem like a more christian approach to understanding yourself.  To his credit, I believe Fr. Cron has helped bring the importance of understanding yourself to the front of a christian audience which is very important for Christians to consider.

I truly believe that in order for us to be fully alive that an understanding of ourselves is of the utmost importance. To understand ourselves in light of scripture will help us to fully comprehend our place in this world. It helps define who we are and what we do.

This is why I like to use the TTI assessments which go farther than just behavior assessments but also help to measure our motivations, our emotional quotients, skill sets and worldviews. Adding these assessments I believe makes a better picture for who we are than just looking at our behaviors.

If you want to learn more please let me know.  I’d love to help you in this process.

I was recently listening to a leadership podcast while I was on a run and was struck by the conversation the guest and host were having about an experience the guest had at a restaurant. At this restaurant  he asked for an fried egg to be added to the burger he ordered but the manager wouldn’t oblige. The manager had reasons for not providing the egg. They were running a special where lots of eggs were required but the guest couldn’t believe this $.33 egg was going to be a deal that kept him from spending $500.00 a month as a regular at this establishment. In fact, he went next door to Whole Foods who made him a specialty pizza with a fried egg just the way he wanted it to describe the kind of business we should be running as opposed to his experience at the restaurant.  His point was very valid and his reasoning was sound. A $.33 egg should be something they could have provided and for a business it seems like a no brainer however, the solution or reasoning behind why this happened seemed to be a little simplistic to me.

The guests assumption was that the culture created in the restaurant was not conducive to doing the right thing by the customer. This may be true and for a leadership podcast I think what they were trying to convey is good but I also think understanding who we hire is especially important in being able to create the kinds of culture we want to create in our jobs and businesses.

If I had to guess the manager at the restaurant was behaviorally someone who like to get things right. She knew the number of eggs they had on hand, understood the demands a menu special creates and yet did her best to make the customers experience a good one even offering to pay his entire bill.  Her attention to detail might even be one of the reasons she attained the managerial job she had but I don’t think her personality assessment would reveal a person who is people oriented. Most likely she was task oriented and detail oriented but not great at understanding people. Perhaps this person was not doing the right job for this restaurant. She may still be very valuable because of her attention to detail but a person who is more people oriented might be a better fit for the customer experience?  Who we hire matters and understanding who we are when we look for work is also important when it comes to job satisfaction and our own happiness in our work.  Do you know yourself?

There has been increased discussion about introverted people in our world. In fact there is a great book titled “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking” by Susan Cain who also has a great Ted Talk if you like a video format. Introverts and Extroverts and recently added Ambivert are descriptions of a personality styles. This personality description is often seen on the Myers-Briggs assessment but experience shows us that not all introverts are the same and here is one of the reasons this is true.

I work with a person name Jon who helps manage a small group of people who do data entry for an online corporation. Among his staff are people everyone would call introverts and in fact he typically looks for introverts in his hiring process as the job require quite a bit of focus and solitude. Unfortunately for Jon, not everyone works out like he thought they would and that’s because all introverts are not the same.

We are all very unique people so an introverts aren’t all the same but there I’m going to address two different general areas in which introverts can be different.  Introverts can be people oriented or they can be task oriented. Some introverts like myself are people oriented. On the DISC behaviors assessment these people are typically high S who value loyalty, relationships, team environments and family. They are patient and nonchalant about most things. The task oriented introvert behaves a little differently. This behavior is usually seen as a high C on the DISC assessment. They are critical thinkers, well disciplined, and almost always seeking to be accurate. They have high standards for themselves and seek to maintain high standards for everyone and these are great people to have on a data entry team.

If you view yourself as an introvert where do you think you fit this general description?  Are you more people oriented or more task oriented. Remember, there are no incorrect descriptions of who you are, it’s simply an assessment that will give you a glimpse into who you are. Knowing a little more about yourself helps you find the best environments for work and life and how you can adapt your communication and behavior knowing the differences in people.

If you’d like to know more about yourself let me know and we can arrange to do an assessment.

I am doing my absolute best not to comment on our current political situation but something I think has to be said. No not about a current person but it seems to me, and I am certainly not connected in any way to any of the candidates, that there is no one in their lives that speaks truth to them. It would seem by the behavior of our candidates that most people that surround them simply tell them that everything they want is good and true and that everything they’ve done is good and if it isn’t they have and excuse as to why it was someone else’s fault. This seems to be the state of the politics in the United States. Now here are some areas where I think we could improve as people.

1. Be sure there are people in your life that will tell you the truth even if you don’t want to hear it. These are the people that mean the most because they will help protect you from the pride that overwhelms you.
2. Assume the best in people. That is actually very hard to do based on some people but realize that for the most part people are doing everything they can with the information they have. It’s not always the best of what people have but others need some grace just like you do at times.

That’s all I’m going to say about the state of politics on this site and it was honestly more than I wanted but I think one of our big issues is that we aren’t living empathetic lives and we aren’t willing to be honest with others.  Let’s work together and find some people who will say no and not just yes.

John C. Maxwell posted something the other day that stated “life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.” I’m not sure that most people are able to live this way. In fact, I believe most people live life the complete opposite and are moved and swayed by what happens. Our emotion gets the best of us and we allow what happens to us over take us. We make up stories in our heads that take the best of us and turn us worse. How many of us still have the words of a parent still haunting our decisions today. How many of us are driven to succeed because of a wrong done to us by someone. We think that this helps us do better but in reality it makes us a slave to the hurt in our lives and keeps us from being free. This is one of the hard lessons in life that I am currently learning. You are actually much more in charge of your reactions than you think you are. In fact, in the equation, the only part you don’t control is what happens to you. Don’t make that 10% any greater than it already is and don’t allow it to control you.

If you are one of those that allow the circumstances of life to dictate how you feel and let it ruin your day or depend on the circumstances to make your day there is good news for you. You don’t have to let it be that way. You are actually more in control than you think.

If you’re a leadership or self-improvement junkie you’ve likely heard the name Simon Sinek whose written a few good books and done at least one Ted talk around this idea of why. His Ted Talk and one of his book describes this idea of Why. You need to understand why it is you do what you do. You should work to understand the why in your life, your business, and everything you do. So I thought I would let you know why it is I coach people.

I coach people because I believe that every person wants to be better than they are. It’s a simple as that. I believe that if you ask most people if they are doing the best they can that they will tell you that they aren’t doing all they can and they know in the hearts they have more to give. Walk through a bookstore, I know that’s an ancient practice, but the store will be filled with books on how to help yourself.  People are looking for help and that should be encouraging. However, what’s deeply saddening is that people think they can do it all on their own with sheer willpower. I would say that it’s not sustaining and not possible. More on that in a blog post down the road.

If you took the time to think about how you could be better I bet you could come up with a list.  I’d love to see your list and if you would allow me help you work through some of them. Let me know how I can help you be better than you are!

Below is a link to the Simon Sinek book that is a great read.

I know its only fall but whenever fall hits I start to think about ski season and while it’s been quite a few years since I’ve gone skiing I can remember when I was a really young skier I really wanted to learn how to ski the moguls. There was something special for me as I watched people ski the bumps and I wanted to be a part of the group of people who could really ski those well. So I spent a lot of my time watching people do it and trying to duplicate what they did. I am a person who can typically pick up athletic endeavors rather quickly so I was very surprised when I was really struggling to learn this trick of skiing the bumps.

As part of my journey to learn how to do this, I decided I had to do more than just watch and learn I had to start asking people what they were doing. I got some interesting responses from people as you would imagine from a guy who spent his time on a mountain name Mary Jane. One response to my question of advice was to just “absorb and deflect man” which was really great advice and did nothing for me. One day I met a person who gave me the best advice I had gotten and it’s something that I’ve used on all sorts of endeavors to this day. His advice was simple. He told me I had to be at least three to four moguls ahead of where I currently was so that I could plan my path. That was great advice for me and changed the way I skied the moguls forever. I had been trying to attack just what was in front of me without ever seeing what was ahead.

This is also great life advice and why I’ve decided to coach people. Coaching can help you see the moguls in front of you but better yet, a good coach can help you learn to see the moguls in front of you and it will change you forever.

More and more I am seeing that one of the reasons we aren’t growing as people is that we aren’t connected to one another. We have relationships that are somewhat shallow and disconnected. Yes we know the basics of people’s lives and we invest enough to make us feel like we are connected but very rarely do I see many deep relationships and to some extent that is a good thing. You should really be able to count the people that are really invested in you on one hand. That is the people what are supposed to say hard things to you when it’s needed. Those who you can go to with the hardest things and those that you know will have your back. Investing in those people is one of the keys to real growth. In order to truly change and grow you need to have a community around you, a community that really cares about you, your joy and your want the best for you as much as you do. Are you being authentic and real with people in that way?

I’ve found that in my interactions with people the amount of self-awareness I have can help me to communicate more effectively with others. For example, when I’m working I tend to be very short and succinct in my email communication. I tend to get to the point because I have a billion things to get done. That is me being self-aware of what I’m doing at work and it’s a good thing to understand that because that approach may not work well for everyone I work with. In fact, my tone and succinct approach may be seen as uncaring or aloof. It would be easy for me to try and explain what I’m trying to do as I’m pretty self-aware of what’s going on in my head but it also helps me to understand how it might be understood. One of the most important keys to being able to interact with other people is to have a degree of self-awareness about who you are and how you act. This process of self-awareness takes a great deal of reflection, asking other people questions about how they see you and what your personality is prone to do. There is a uniqueness to you but understanding your tendencies, your approach, your personality are such and important part of interacting that I would urge you to take some steps to understand your personality.  If you are interested on having me help you do so I can do so with a small fee so let me know if that interests you. bryan@bryanaxtman.com